Am i strong enough?

It's almost 3 days I'm back home after so much of depression in campus.I thought of giving up everything and returning back home but something stopped me.2 % of courage stops me and asked me to continue everything even thought life was hard there.Uncomfortable life, misunderstanding between friends and disturbance by ugly past.All came together and attacked me.At a point,i felt too weak and tired to continue this journey but I had so many reasons to continue it.Beautiful angels around me helped me.Mum...without her I'm nothing.Without her help I wouldn't have moved on and start living again.She was not only a mother but more than a good and best friend who understands me better than anyone else.All this while,I thought Patrick will never understand me but when I heard something from Latha , that moment I knew how much he loves me.We do argue a lot till we used to ask for siblings divorce..hahaha..how stupid we was.He will be my sweetheart all the time.I had another guy in my life too,Kannan.My happiness starts from him.I know i miss Sarah a lot.More than words can say..i miss her tooo much.

Looking back at things happened 6 years ago,I knew i had grown up stronger and i can handle things by myself.But i still need someone for me to hold my hand and walk together with me.Am i being selfish? Life is getting harder and tougher day by day..but why? Why me? I know others having problems too but my concern is why do i need to go thru it..what sin or wrong i ever did? I was being the good daughter all this while to my mum,a responsible sister,a loyal friend and i was there for everyone who needed me.I was just there without any expectations.I hide all my sorrows and pains and i smiled a lot where they can only see my happiness.But when i needed someone to talk,to pour all my pains,to cry and scream..i don't find anyone was there for me. Everyone was busy with their own life,I never blamed them because i totally understand.

There was only one man who was with me all the time,God.He knows better than others.Once upon time, I stop praying,i don't read bible,i find excuse to attend church.I stayed very far from Him.I was angry and fed up with everyone including Him.But He never gave up on me.He fixed me back,he showed me happiness,he gave me peace and calmness.He was holding my hand all the time.At times,i know i'm going very far from him but each time i'm leaving him,he will pull me back to him.I love him a lot.Even now, I can only thank him for everything he gave me.I have nothing to ask more.He had lead me for 22 years and he will continue it.Am i strong enough? Yes.I'm strong enough to handle things.Mum always ask me to come out of the past.Certain thing needs time.Time is the best medicine.Guess it's the time now.I should start everything back and forget everything.Totally!

When i was in hospital,i realized how much i missed a man called father in my life.I felt the pain of not having him with me now.I always used to wonder how will my life be if i had a perfect father too.I know he missing us a lot too but certain things he did..i don't think so i can forgive him.The pain will stay in me till the end of my life.But I thank God for giving me such a great and wonderful Mum who was more than a mother and father to me.I believe in this saying that ''Everything happens for a reason'' and ''Life is a glue..as time past,few will stick and few will fly away''. It's so true.

I'm feeling much better after updating my sadness in blog.~Adios..

~My dream man~

A long long time ago when I was still single, I dreamed of the perfect partner for me. I was not very picky. I had the belief that one day I would meet him. At the time, when I saw someone new in my life, I'd think "Is this the one?" but I usually knew the answer. NO! At one point, I had a broken heart in a short period of time and decide to focus on what I WANTED not on what I got.

I placed all the qualities I wanted in my dream man like honest, loving, fun, caring and so on. I had tons and was very specific. I think the only thing I didn't add was for him to have a great job and have an abundant income (but then I never thought about money like that...I believed in love).I found my life tail spinning for a while and decided I needed a drastic change so I start avoiding guys in my life. I had enough of men and didn't even want to think about any of them.At times i wonder why am i being liked by guys,well I'm not that super hot or beautiful.People think its cool to have so many admirers and its nice to be proposed by many guys..Gosh for me it's a headache.I don't wish to be chased by many.I only want a particular guy who I love to chase me.That's the happiness I'm seeking. Finally,I locked my heart and stop thinking about this love issues and start hating life so much.I felt the pain of been cheated and destroyed. I just wanted to have fun in life. Within 4 months of moving on, I met my dream man. We had an earth moving connection through facebook since then.

The odd thing was, he looked exactly like the guy in my dream collage.When i told this to my friends,they laughed at me.But they knew something will happen between us. At first I have no idea I will fall for him but I felt something deep within me that he was the one,the right one.My heart beats each time I met him,each time i talk to him and each time i look at his pictures.I asked my friend what is that suppose to mean.I remember she knock my head and said ''It's love la u stupid girl'

I decided to take my own decision without listening to others. I start listening to what my heart says even when it got hard. I trusted my instincts.I decided to be with him no matter what and only him. Every day, every minute, and every moment I miss him. The distance may be hard, but that will never change how I feel for you. I love you no matter what.

All I can say is trust your heart but never devalue yourself or accept an abusive relationship. Sometimes it's the letting go that brings us what we truly seek.If I was not brave enough to walk away from hell and start back my own life,I wonder will I ever meet him? When I rewind to the past all my tears and pains worth after looking at this angel. It had been paid with lots of love and happiness :) I remember one useless guy called me ''chappeh figure'' which means very moderate girl when i rejected his love.But now,i can only smile proudly for having an awesome man with me :)
I can't wait to start my life with him.A house filled with happiness and joy.Life with my in laws and of coz with a man who I want to live for a life long.My Kannan~

Anyway,past is past and I'm happily moving into my future.My aim is to finish my degree and start doing Master for better qualification and then start working.Bring mum and Patrick for holidays,start saving money,not to forget fall in love crazily,deeply and blindly with him till the end and get married,have kids and there i go..a perfect wife and mum.As i always mention..my life is very simple in my way :)

~My Sunshine~

My life was not normal as others.Worst childhood which haunts me till today and miserable teen life.But i managed to rise up again from all those pains for the sake of my mum and brother.Nothing is important compare to this 2 angels in my life.Mum,an iron woman who successfully raised her kids very well and my brother who is the backbone of the family now.3 of us when through hell together in the past but now perfectly happy family.Indeed we don't spent time together so much as everyone is at a corner but we fit in perfectly whenever we are back home.Patrick,a man who i love the most in my life.Gosh! I'm so proud of him,he was always the smart kid at home while me opposite.But not even once he looked down on me but he used to teach me maths which i hate the most in my life and somehow i passed because of him.I still remember how happy was mum when she saw my STPM result.For the first time i saw many A's in my slip.Hahaha..That happiness was priceless.My responsibilities increased now.Make sure mum gets all the happiness in the earth and let Patrick to finish his degree. 

My life is awesome when i know your part of my journey too now.You changed my perception about love and life.Yesh you :) I have no idea how i fell for you because i locked my heart very long ago.  I had build up a high wall around my heart so that no one else can enter into it anymore but i wonder how u came in?? No more nights with tears but im smiling alot for the first time in my life.Too many happiness and joy in my heart and all because of you...You gave me a new life.

Yes i love you.I admit that but about the next stage,let it happen by itself.I can't imagine anyone else in my life besides you.I fell for you completely. You are all about i can think for now.Hope things will just go as i wish.Seriously,i'm not ready for any heart break again.I wonder where is my sleepless night with tears and pains.LOST ! Hahaha..i feel new and fresh again.Of coz,first pain can never be removed from heart but i start living my life again.My life moves on.

I decided to stay away from everyone that can give me pains and pull me down again. I'm staying away from all those unwanted people.Far away from them will be the best medicines for my heart.I have too many people in my life who called family,friends,besties and special one.So what else i want again? A perfect mother who is there for me all the time when i need a shoulder,a brother who is more like a father for me,my uncle who is there for me every time i'm down and lovely cousins,friends who are there for me whenever i need them,my besties who will come down all the way just to see a smile on my face and now extra angel came into the family.My special one.Haha..shuuu not going to tell anything for now.But he is equally important now for me.I have everything in my life,so what else i need again?I'm happy God had bless me with wonderful angels in my life.My life is always simple and perfect in my way :)

Why this Pain??

I'm in deep pain and hurt.How can I explain the pain which kills me daily,each seconds,each minutes and each day.The pain is getting bigger and growing in me daily.Why do i need to do this?? Why must i meet u in my life? Why you came into my life ??Its all started when i start liking u because of pithy..I should not do that!
How am i going to face the society and my family? Everything is my fault and I know i can't fix things now.Its too late for everything.I am moving on no matter what.Please forgive me

Why should i fall in love and suffer like this.Why so much of pains in life?I wish life will be easier if i just end my life but I need to be there for my family!! I need to be strong enough to overcome this pains!! I'm too complicated!!! Even i don't know what i need in my life..Argghhh! I don't know what im writing here too..Life plsssss be good to me!

~wHat a LiFe??~

What we want in LIFE….. a world full of Joys & Happiness …
But it’s so difficult to find a world where all your dreams come true…
its so difficult to find where you can forget all your Tears…
& live a Life full of Sweets & Sugar..!!
But … a BIG But ….. what we have….
Sorrows… Pain.. Shattered Dreams….. broken Hearts….
We are alive but with no Emotions…
Heart is still Beating but our Expectation are dead….
We have Friends but our Faith is lost …. !!
Don’t know for whom we are living.,…. Don’t know now what we want from LIFE…
Sometimes i really DOUBT … IS IT A REAL LIFE??
I used to Smile ALONE….. without any reason as i don’t have any Reason….
I used to Laugh on myself…. on My LIFE….!! After that laugh…. i used to sit Silent .. with One or Two TEARS in eyes…. then a long Breathe … & i try to Forget all my Pains…!
Sometimes i used live in a FAKE WORLD….. i used to ignore my PAINS…. just for Little HAPPINESS…. but somewhere in my heart i know that ONE DAY i have to CRY….i have to Lose…. I have to ….. !!
But Why i am Doing this….. Still i have some HOPE….???? NO… i am sure there is no HOPE now…
I have to Accept this REALITY……!! but again one question is still remain….
WHY I AM ALIVE……..??????????
No Answer…. Still finding……
Still Searching……… A LIFE…..MY LIFE……!!